The Guilt and Shame Game

We live in a society that has guilt and shame smeared all over it. People thrive on it. Others sink because of it. Guilt and shame are not of Christ and they don't have a place in the Christian community, nor should they ever be something acceptable to humanity in general.

I've struggled with the guilt and shame game. I fold to it like a weak chair under pressure. As soon as someone uses that "buzzword" on me...you know, the ones like "you should have...", "why didn't you...", "would you just do it?"... "If you were really a good Christian/mom/wife/woman/daughter/friend, you would...", "I thought you knew me better than that...",  I run from guilt and shame like they are an epidemic, so when I can't avoid, I give in way too easily.

Something I have learned over the last couple years is that no one ever has the right to guilt or shame me. I realized how much of a sucker I am for it. I make mistakes, but that doesn't mean someone calls it out in front of an audience, or tells me to do something in a manner that is superior in front of others. I get pushed around as a mom I think almost weekly. "Well, you really should be with your daughter more." "You only have 18 years with them, so maybe you should spend more time with her." Yes...I get it. They grow fast. I'll wish I had more time. But when you're at the breaking point of mommy-hood and need some mommy-time, I would say the "quality time" will turn a little emotional. Not to mention the "you feed that to your child?!" and the "maybe she needs a sibling" comments - whether they're undertoned or blunt, I've heard them.

Then there is the guilt and shame game among Christians. I believe that this is the ugliest kind because while you want to believe that Christians are "good people", you find it cuts a lot deeper when they don't offer that grace and love to others like Christ did for us. I know so many people who have endured guilt and shame over the schools they choose (or can afford) to put their kids in, the struggles they have and happen to let someone in on, the ways they keep a house, the habits they contend with, the lifestyles they choose (or are forced into), and the list goes on and on and on. And I have to be blunt here in saying that I've heard it most from Christians towards other Christians.

I'm not sure where the carte blanche came for Christians to judge others, but I don't remember reading that in the Bible I have...maybe I'm missing something. You are correct in recalling Matthew 18, where Christ tells us how to deal with conflict, but directly after that section comes the forgiveness story, and boy- is that one powerful.

Jen Hatmaker has become a very loved writer of mine. In her book, "For the Love: Fighting for Grace in a World with Impossible Standards" (the title alone should be enough to get you to read this...), she has an entire chapter devoted to Christians who destroy each other, and what it is doing to our world. We are losing this battle, friends. Why? Because we are picking the wrong fights, scaring people away from ever walking into a church, and hurting each other in the process because we are set on our opinions and being what we think are Christ's advocates. One thing we're missing - LOVE. We can have our opinions. We can speak truth. We are called to do these things. But must we slam people to the ground with it?

When a stranger walks into church and is seeking something, the last thing they want is to feel the judgement, wrath, shame and guilt from people who don't have their own lives together. Welcome them. Love them. You don't have to agree with them to love them. You don't have to bash the school they send their kids to. You don't have to comment on the cigarette smell that is coming off of them. You don't have to point out that they are the one you saw stumbling out of the bar last weekend. You know where Christ stands on things. And yes, we know where you stand on things. But give these people some love and grace. The minute we guilt and shame them, they are gone, and will probably never consider a church again. What if Christ didn't offer you the love and grace? What if what brought you to church was want pointed out all of your faults and downfalls? I'd run, and I did for a time.

Let's end this guilt and shame game. Let's look to love and grace and allow Christ to do the rest. We stand strong on His truth and we will never move from it, but let's not bash it over the heads of seeking people. People who know the truth and reject it, that is another story. But the bystanders who are trying to figure this whole Christ-follower thing out, help them figure it out - in LOVE.

Moms - stop throwing guilt on other moms. I know you are supermom and can be with your child 24/7 for 18-30 years, but I'm not supermom. I give in to fruit snacks and french fries as lunch on occasion. (Keep your comments right there.) I'm aware my child is the only one, and if I want to share our future plans with you, I will. But notice the craziness it took me to get this one here! (Really?! - People have to ask if I'm "naturally having" more?)

Christians - "They will know we are Christians by our love." Not from our judging. Not from our hunting them down and dragging them in. Love.

"You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love." - Galatians 5:13

"Do everything in love." - 1 Corinthians 16:14

"And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them." - 1 John 4:16

"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." - Ephesians 4:2 

"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." -1 Peter 4:8

"We love because He first loved us." -1 John 4:19

"My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you." -John 15:12

"No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us." - 1 John 4:12  

Do you really need any more verses to make it clear to you? Let me know.