I've been off my game lately.
I'm not who I was, and while the Johnson&Johnson saying goes "having a baby changes everything", I've been struggling with more than just the life-changes that come with having a baby.
I have found myself caring less about the everyday complaints from people. It's not that I don't feel for them as a person, but I find many things in life to not matter anymore. Who cares about something like wall colors, carpeting, and music style when there is something so HUGE we've been entrusted to?
I am walking so focused through life lately, and it isn't always a good kind of focus. I fail to see the needs around me at times, and become so task-oriented, rather than faith-oriented. I get so bent out of shape when I have a to-do list filled with necessary (I think), yet daunting things. I can't help but look at my life and ask "am I seriously making a difference by replying to emails, cleaning the house for the 100th time in a week, and typing up reports?" (I seriously feel like a lunatic lately.) Any moment can take me away from this life. I have learned this lesson hardcore this year, and now I have so much more at stake. Sometimes I feel as if no one really, truly understands. I can try and sort out my ...feelings (uhhg), and write things that rant on and on and on, and post ridiculous statuses on social media, but deep down, no one will get it. They can say they do, but they don't.
We all have something welling up inside that no one will ever completely understand. We can act in ways that people think are immature, but in reality, they have no clue where you've been and the storms you've faced. No one, except Him.
God knows exactly what is on your heart and mind. He can pick you up on those days that no one seems to notice or care or understand. I've been missing those God-encounters and not being able to find the time to open His Word in so long has caused me to feel empty. I reflect back a lot, if you haven't noticed, and recall 7 months ago when I faced one of the heaviest, yet exhilarating times of my life. (Ok, let's face it - it was THE heaviest and exhilarating time of my life...) And while I don't ever wish to undergo so much stress and pain again, I miss the growing I had during that time. I think I wait around for the big encounters because those are the ones that move me the most lately, but that doesn't HAVE to be the way it is.
He is with you during your smallest, most intimate moments and your biggest, most drastic moments. I believe that everyday God is calling us upon the waters where we may fail, no matter how big or small our challenges are.
When I was called to walk on the water, I really didn't have much choice. However, we always have a choice, even in circumstances where everything is out of control. Believe it or not, water represents "chaos" in the Bible, and circumstances we face can certainly be full of chaos. God calls us into the chaos. Crazy, huh? But if you think about it, those are the moments we grow so deeply in Him. Don't get me wrong, some people may choose to reject faith and God when they endure chaos, and even blame Him. But God has made chaos so that it can end up beautiful. He calls us to follow Him in the midst of it, and if we sink, He'll reach out to us. We only need to keep our eyes on Him.
So whenever I sing "Oceans" in church, at home, in the car, etc. I am reminded that God will not fail me no matter where He calls me. He will give us the strength, the courage and the faith to step out of the boat, and to keep our eyes on Him in the midst of chaos. When the "Oceans rise" aka: chaos, whether it be the heaviest chaos of your life or just a case of the Monday chaos, we can keep our eyes above it and be led by the Spirit. When we do that with the little things, we can trust Him in the biggest of challenges. Keep singing "Oceans". God will guide you through whatever chaos life brings, and He will make you stronger through it.
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